I don't know if you ever did it.
Coming upstairs from the basement in your house as a kid. All the lights are off in the basement. You are walking up the stairs...
and all of a sudden an incredible urge deep within your guts compels you to run as FAST as you possibly can up the stairs. Of course, as a kid, admitting that in person to anyone or possibly breaking into a sprint/roller-derby session when anyone else is with you would be considered very uncool. But when you are alone? RUUUNNNNN!
What I find worthy of reflection is that I still get that feeling as an adult.
My adult expectation was that this fear would fade or disappear! It was supposed to be part of the result of a mystical or esoteric realization that the darkness is actually not something to be feared, but it can even be embraced. There is nothing better than blacking out all the shades of the bedroom of your home or during a hotel stay. My 9 year old daughter even sometimes wears those airplane eye cover thingy's(dont know what they are really called) to sleep! In thick darkness you sleep until no more sleep seems possible.
Today I realized that I’m still afraid of the dark. A lot of us are.
We struggle with needing to be recognized, feeling significant and wondering if the glow of the spotlight will hit us. For many, our roles or calling in life has led to places where the light shines brightly. In many cases, perhaps too bright. As someone who has a small amount of notoriety and is sometimes recognized by people in public places, I realize the light is a dangerous side effect of serving in places of influence and/or being a person who is “seen”. As someone who literally stands, “in the light” on a regular basis, I know that light can be addictive and dangerous.
The light lies.
I constantly wrestle with my fear of the dark. Do people know who I am? What if I somehow become irrelevant?
The voice inside my head can whisper thoughts that breeds insecurity and over-confidence. Insecurity that forgets that He journeys with me, that this is all about Him, and that His love envelopes me whether I’m known by anyone. Over-confidence that places trust in my own decisions, abilities, leadership, giftings, and charisma.
I am not alone.
Francis Chan suddenly resigned his church early last year. Part of the reason behind his decision was summed up in the following interview with CNN:
“When there is a large constituency, there’s a lot of voices,” he said. “It makes you arrogant or it makes you want to shoot yourself. When thousands of people tell you what they think, how can I be quick to listen, like the Bible says? I don’t want to be a jerk and tune everyone out. At the same time you, can’t love every single person and answer them.”
So after lots of prayer and soul searching, Chan decided it was best to leave the church, country, and Internet behind to focus on serving others one-on-one.
I was watching a news clip today regarding Ted Haggard. His much publicized “issues” stripped him of the spotlight he had been living in as a pastor of a large church in Colorado and leader of a large Christian organization. The darkness was a necessary place for him. It was where God can lead him to re-discover the truth about himself without the limelight. It must have been a scary place for him to be.
He has slowly begun to emerge. I have watched and reflected as he appears on talk shows and then obligatory book tour that followed.
Was the light was shouting out to him? Did he miss it?
Now he is doing his own reality show. I do not know him. I have never had coffee with him. But I wonder if some part of him, like it would me, is shouting for the lumens to be increased and cranked up brighter. “I’m over here”.
Could it be that Ted is still afraid of the dark? I know that sometimes I am. When I am around people I feel have 'done it' or 'accomplished something'...that nasty desire to do something that will make me known uncurls in my guts and I don't want to be left in the dark any longer.
Can't you see me?
hmmm. reminds me of the emporer with no clothes...cuz really, thats what we all end up being when our drivenness for the 'light' calls us out of the darkness before He has said, "Let there be light". And then what are we left with? A laughing crowd who has noticed how unattractively naked we are.
Our fear of being in the dark, when not dealt with, spawns a need for the light. A craving for the light. A yearning. But by always standing in the light, we miss what God wants to teach us in the obscurity of the darkness.
There is an alternative of course. You see He hovers over the darkness...waiting to speak His word. Waiting to create the new and the incredible. Worlds of beauty within our hearts. But of course, we know better...the darkness is bad...right?
I love Eugene Peterson's paraphrase of Jesus’ words in Matt. 5:16:
“Here’s another way to put it: You’re here to BE LIGHT, bringing out the God-colors in the world.”
I know what you are thinking. What about 1 John 1:7 says, 'But if we walk in the light...'
Well I have a thought about that. Read the rest of the verse. Thats right. "...as He is in the light we HAVE fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus purifies us from all sin."
How often do we walk in the light, but NOT as He is in the light and as a result we don't know how to fellowship and we fail to deal with sin. And we are left bereft of power and hungering for something we do not have. How many of us medicate this hunger by allowing the light of recognition to numb our longing for wholeness?
Have we got it backwards? Cuz His intention is that light emanates FROM US, not shines ON US.
And when it does, the world is a more colorful place.
Are you afraid of the dark? Don't worry. I am sure someone will be willing to leave the night light on for you.
J
